Monday, August 11, 2025

Emotional Engineering I & II: Suggested Reading

Emotional Engineering I & II: Suggested Reading

πŸͺœ Further Reading 

Many of the books below helped me put all this together. If you want to go deeper with understanding this material, build stronger habits, or just get smarter about how your brain works:

Atomic Habits by James Clear 

The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg 

Thinking, Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman 

The Happiness Hypothesis by Jonathan Haidt 

The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk 

Your Brain at Work by David Rock 

The Willpower Instinct by Kelly McGonigal 

Stanford’s Habit Lab (BJ Fogg’s tiny habits research) 

The Huberman Lab Podcast 

The Center for Nonviolent Communication


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    Thursday, August 7, 2025

    Akien's DCII as an Example

    Akien's DCII as an Example

    Copyright (c) 2025 Akien Maciain, all rights reserved.
    Email me to use this material elsewhere.
    This version: 20250819.1

    This is my living document where I'm tracking amongst other things, why I'm confident about being confident.

    --------------------

    About Me

    Name:
    Akien Maciain

    Role(s) / Aspirations:
    Who am I and who do I want to become

    I aspire to be a good man who helps people to make their lives suck less. Perhaps a minister of suck less.

    Emergency Page: Read This First When I’m Struggling

    A curated one-pager of highlights, quotes, and self-talk designed to cut through self-doubt fast.

    • In the first 7 months of 2025, I went from the evolutionarily changed person I had been, who saw himself more or less the same way he had all his adult life... To someone confident about being confident. Having faith in Mister Wizard, in my writing, in my relationship skills, at work... One of several revolutionary changes in me over the years.
    • My kids both asked for coaching or for it to continue
    • Leah stuck with me during my post-Kaye and post-Dawn time, one of the worst in my life because I was worth it to her
    • Marnie
    • Krissy kept holding the connection with me for more than 20 years, even in the face of it being apparently not ever gonna happen.
    • My boss rehired me because he values what I bring
    • I am excellent at 'making things go' at work
    • And all the people in the section called "People whose Lives Have I Made Better"


    Executive Summary

    A short paragraph describing who I am at my best. Write this when I’m feeling strong—it’s my own mission statement to read when I need reminding.

    • "An assertive learner" - Allegra Davidson
    • Agile in everything I do
    • Empathetic to both others, and to myself
    • An occasionally supernatural wisdom
    • Optimize everything, systems thinker

    Core Needs and Nourishment

    What are my main psychological or emotional needs?

    • For others to want me around

    My North Stars - Aspirational Anchors

    • [fill this in]

    Ripple Map: People Impacted by Me

    A bulleted list with who and a short description of how I touched their lives

    • Alison
      • Helped validate her choices
    • Allegra
      • Love
      • Chased down thief
      • Developing skills, like marketing, rope work, etc
      • Pulling her out of depression
      • Taught her movie making
      • Helped her build first computer
      • Taught her how to really own her job
      • Modelled being confident for her
    • Chad
      • Being a long term friend
      • Being of like enough mind to validate each other
      • Being a good learner
    • Francesca & Brian
      • Coaching
    • Krissy
      • Love
      • Amazing sex
      • Deep listening
      • Letters
    • Leah
      • Love
      • Orgasms
      • Standing by her during the depression
      • Having worked to really listen to her
      • Supporting her
      • Being a good husband
      • Experiment and listen in order to be a good lover
      • Overcame jealousy
    • Marnie
      • Love
      • Helped her learn relationship skills
      • Including that people will stick by her
    • Matt
      • Turned his life around
    • Michael Bennett
      • You know, I have no idea. :(
    • Noah
      • Helping him digest Krissy's needs in some small way
    • People on BART
      • Arrest of guy on BART story
    • People in Walgreens
      • Arrest of guy at Walgreens story
    • Sam
      • Helped them create a new them
    • Tom & Carrie
      • Upgrading his working situation
      • Christmas story
      • His best man
    • Troy
      • Coming back and trying to pull him out
    • UU Congregation
      • Presentations
      • Cooking
      • Technical
    • Victoria
      • Love
      • I can still come for coaching, right?
      • Intervening to take her from her mom
    • Vaishnavi
      • Learned to be bigger
    • Yuriy
      • Went from a junior engineer to a senior one in record time

    Personal Inventory: Who Am I?

    Role models, fictional or real, and what I took from them. What strategies, traits, or truths I adopted.

    • My dad
      • Fix almost anything
      • there are times she’ll take care of your needs. be sure you take care of hers too. that’ll make it more likely she’ll keep taking care of yours
      • Taking a stereo apart and tracing it's traces to sort what each connector did
    • My mom
      • Housework skills
      • Taking care of kids
      • Cooking
    • Gomez Addams
      • Love with all your heart
      • Be yourself and be OK with that!
    • Capt. James T. Kirk
      • Do things that are the best good whenever possible
      • Be strong
    • Col. Robert Hogan
      • Be strong
      • Fight smart
    • Capt. Hawkeye Pierce
      • Have compassion with others
      • Be playful
    • Peter Pan
    • Donald Shimoda
    • Fred Rogers
    I am quite certain this list will get much, much longer.

    In addition to the above, my research tells me I have DID (Multiple Personalities -- ask me about it!). I used to say I had creative multiple personality disorder. I no longer think it was just me using poetic license. Inside of me:

    1. Day to day Akien, introverted
    2. Mister Wizard, the center of what wisdom do I possess and my spirituality. The seer of patterns.
    3. Healer Akien, who listens to the body.
    4. Parent Akien, who comforts and connects with wounded children, animals, and so on
    5. Raging Sex Manic Akien
    6. Lover and Husband Akien
    7. Old Reliable, Stoic. Does what it takes. Gets it done. The shortest way thru is thru.
    8. Romance Akien
    9. Peter Pan Akien
    10. Leader Akien, who steps forward to keep things going
    11. Protector Akien. Who will put a stop to harming others. Steals habits from Dad, Hogan.
    12. Berserker Akien. Sadist who only hurts bullies.
    13. On Stage Akien, able to appear to be an extrovert, the part who does masking when we need it.
    14. Engineer Akien, who also does coding, building, coaching and other interpersonal problem solving things... "What looks like it would make that work?"
    15. Writer Akien too
    16. Children of a few different ages, also less distinct these days than in the past.
      1. A teen who's less distinct than the above
      2. A very young boy who was hit a lot

    Skills & Strengths Inventory

    A bulleted list or short descriptions of skills I know I have and that I’m proud of.

    •  I am confident in being confident
      • That's a new one in 4/2025
      • Allegra called me Freakishly Confident
      • I am confident in my male attractiveness
        • That's a new one in 7/2025
    • I can think before I react
      • Dawn's Barb story
    • I usually know what to say
    • I almost always see it from what I think is their viewpoint
    • I can fix an awful lot of broken things
      • Story about what happens when something breaks around the house
    • I apologize well
      • Making an unexpected friend on social media by deploying the wrong habit
    • I am eloquent
      • I have written thousands on thousands of pages
    • I am creative
      • I came up with this
    • I am a really good housekeeper
    • I hold down a job
      • I've been unemployed for a maximum of six weeks in a single stretch since 1987
    • I work for a boss now who rehired me because of what he thought of my skills
      • My boss treats me as a 'falcon' that he can just fly at problems and forget about
    • I make an awful lot of different things as needed
    • I am a bodyworker
    • I am a really good cook
    • I step into danger to take care of my people
      • Walgreens story
      • BART story
      • Charged by dogs
    • I am a really good Storyteller
    • I am a really good coach

    Decisions, Achievements & Milestones

    A bulleted list or short descriptions of things I’ve done that I’m proud of.

    • All the people I've helped
    • Marry the person Dawn was in 1990
    • Leave my relationship with Dawn in 2008
    • Marry Leah

    Testimonials Bank (Things People Said That Lit Me Up)

    These can be short and sweet.

    • 2025 09 03 Mike Susinski "I honor the combination of confidence and compassion which you have brought to that gathering. I think the men trust you because of that and that is a pretty good accomplishment in this time and place."
    • 2025 08 07 Susan Guillory on the Habits presentation: This is awesome, thank Akien. You are appreciated. 
    • 2025 08 04 Elaine Carlson on the Habits presentation: I am going to read again what you posted. You write well.
    • 2025 07 28 Marnie: 'Akien, you're just a really good person'. There was almost a capital G in it. 

    Performance Reviews (Peer & Mentor Praise)

    Quotes or notes from others affirming my effort, impact, or growth. Ask people for these when efforts wrap up. Offer to do the same for them.

    • [fill this in]

    Ways I Sabotage Myself

    • Let the ADD make me avoid a task

    Baggage, Trauma I carry

    • After my parents passed, my aunt told me that my dad hit me a lot when I was small... Which I knew... But she said "It was like he had to hit you every other day just so everybody would remember who was boss". We all got it. I got it the worst and the longest, since I was the oldest. Mom put a stop to it while they were separated. No hitting the kids anymore was one of her conditions for coming back. I didn't realize it was abuse until my 30s. For about a decade, I replayed the last time that happened, only this time my adult self came into the scene and beat the shit out of my dad. Take that, buddy. If that had ever happened in real life, he wouldn't have gotten up. Ever.
        We never talked about it. But he really rethought a lot of his life while he was dying. While I can be vigilantly angry at his 40 year old self, I can't bring that kind of rage to the 55 year old man who was sorry for the ways he'd hurt people when he was younger.
        To this day, Leah can still startle me.

    Growth Areas, Lessons

    Track habits I'm changing; things I’ve struggled with but am actively improving. Show trajectory. Include evidence of progress.

    • 2025 06 30 Habit: Eat too much candy, Trigger: Dry mouth, New Behavior: Replace with xylitol gum which is good for my teeth as well. Progress: Success, completed 6/30/25
    • 2025 04 22 Tue: Krissy mentioned in FL about lonely men. I've known some. But her mentioning it made me look back... And I have never been that guy. I spend more time writing than doomscrolling, gaming, or any other often solitary activity.

    Letters to Future Me

    Encouragement or advice from my past self.

    • Date: xx/xx/xx "Hey, just wanted to say: no matter what’s going on right now, you’ve come through hard things before. You will again."
    • [fill this in]

    Self-Evaluations

    Reflect on anything notable in life.

    • Activity:

    • Date:

      • What went well?

      • What did I learn?

      • What would I do differently next time?

    Experience History

    This can be work and volunteering, it is a resume… But it is also more than that. Include photos, screenshots, projects, awards, or mementos that visually remind me of who I am and what I’ve done. List current first.

    • [fill this in]

    Monday, August 4, 2025

    Emotional Engineering II, Self Support: DCII for Keeping Track

    Emotional Engineering II, Self Support: DCII for Keeping Track

    Copyright (c) 2025 Akien Maciain, all rights reserved.
    Email me to use this material elsewhere.
    This version: 20250819.1

    πŸ“The Development, Capacity, and Impact Inventory…

    I noticed a long time ago that I'd have times where I'd feel down on myself... And I'd go to work the next day, and there was a folder in my inbox called simply 'kudos'. You know the kind, like an email from my boss that says atta-boy. But my performance reviews wound up in there too. And when I left, I took that folder with me. At my next gig, I did the same thing. This has been following me around for like 30 years at this point.

    I'd go look in there... And be reminded of my value to my boss. Eventually emails from friends and partners wound up in there too. 

    Fast forward to very recently, and I'm having a conversation with someone very dear to me. She's a general manager for a very small tech firm. And she confessed to me that she was having a very difficult time with imposter syndrome.

    πŸ•΅️ What is Impostor Syndrome?

    It’s the habituated feeling that you’re faking it... Even when the evidence says you’re not. You assume your success is luck, or timing, or other people being fooled. And underneath it habit... The habit of seeing yourself as less than up to the task at hand. 

    I explained to her about my kudos file, and how I could use that to help build myself back up after a setback of some kind. Like a scrap book, but targeted at supporting honest looks at myself, growing through issues, and reminding myself of my strengths.

    She asked me if I had a template for that... 

    ✍️ The Template

    I asked her to give me a few days. Then I went online, and started doing some research on 'strengths-based interventions', a topic under the kinda pointy rubric of 'positive psychological interventions'. The idea was to use the latest science to bolster this template idea.

    These include tools like:

    • Values inventories
    • Strengths assessments (like VIA or CliftonStrengths)
    • Accomplishment logs
    • Gratitude journals
    • Best-self reflections

    They're all part of the wider toolkit used in positive psychology to build on what’s right with people rather than fixing what’s wrong. The Development, Capacity, and Impact Inventory is an example of a strengths-based intervention in action. A whole pile of them all at once.

    And a place to keep your shiny new habits as you develop them.

    https://trainmymonkey.blogspot.com/2025/08/personal-personnel-file-template.html

    You can add sections, remove them, change the order... 

    Here's mine as an example:

    https://trainmymonkey.blogspot.com/2025/08/akiens-personal-personnel-file-as.html 

    πŸ“– Development, Capacity, and Impact Inventory Use Guide (DCII)

    1. Purpose & Ownership  
      • The **Development, Capacity, and Impact Inventory** is **yours**—a private, self-owned record of strengths, growth, and accomplishments.  
      • You decide what stays private, what you share, with whom, and when.
    2. Modular Structure for Privacy  
      • You CAN break your DCII into different files or pages, each it's own logical sections.(e.g., “Professional Skills,” “Projects & Milestones,” “Personal Reflections”).  
      • This makes it easy to share only relevant parts while keeping private insights protected.
    3. Sharing with Confidence  
      • If you're using the DCII at work (which is recommended)... When needed, such as for annual reviews or coaching, you can safely email just the relevant section(s) to your supervisor, mentor or coach, while keeping the rest of your information private.  
      • Because each section can be standalone, you avoid accidental exposure of personal reflections.
      • See below for the process
    4. Regular Updates = Clarity & Accuracy  
      • Aim to **jot down updates regularly**, ideally weekly or every other week.  
      • This keeps your file fresh and makes all content easier to recall and compile later.
    5. Tone & Content Guidelines  
      • Use **straightforward, example-rich language.**  
      • For shareable sections, keep descriptions concise, professional, and focused on impact or learning.
    6. Long-Term Value  
      • Keep older sections archived in your PPF. They’re part of your journey—even if not shared now, they provide context later.
    7. Fill it with everything you can. Every email where somebody told you that you did a good job, every new thing you learn about yourself. 

    πŸ’Ό For Personnel Improvement, Celebration and Performance Measurement in the Workplace

    1. Purpose: This process is, as much as possible, to be centered on celebrating accomplishments and growing capabilities of our individual team members as a team effort. And to measure the efficacy of that in a way that’s useful to dependent business processes.
    2. Tracking Frequency: Measurement shall be taken in team staff meetings whenever possible. Weekly or semi-weekly preferred. Tracking any less often results in a lot of ‘what did I do again?’ that this process strives to avoid. Instead we create documented institutional memory instead.
    3. Team Tracking: Everyone on a team shall, as a team, fill out the periodic updates for each of the individuals. This will require some expeditiousness in the process… However one of the goals in the process is to celebrate our contributions and progress, so not too much expeditiousness. Why like that?
      1. Because if you're just responsible for doing your own, too easy for items to fall off the queue...
      2. Because the group is celebrating the accomplishments of each person, creating more sense of accomplishments being seen, more sense of being valued...
      3. Because we can sometimes undervalue our contributions, but the group won't let that happen.
    4. Tracking Mechanism: The Development, Capacity, and Impact Inventory - DCII 
      1. The introductory page for rewriting habits:
        https://trainmymonkey.blogspot.com/2025/07/emotional-engineering-i-introduction.html
      2. The page that explains the DCII:
        https://trainmymonkey.blogspot.com/2025/08/emotional-engineering-iii-keeping-track.html
      3. The DCII template:
        https://trainmymonkey.blogspot.com/2025/08/personal-personnel-file-template.html
    5. At each team meeting, the team shall review each of the categories (shown below) and note individual contributions. When the process is done for that person, 

    6. Annual Review: At the end of the year, supervisors will utilize all inputs from periodic reviews to conduct a comprehensive annual performance review.
      1. Each contributor shall contribute their own copy of this tracking to their manager via email.
    7. Management Leveraging  – Managers are in a unique position to help people grow by coaching, offloading select management tasks, and including those in goals tracked by the team. Such as ‘Define my job role’, ‘learning to set goals’, ‘teach the team how to receive and give useful feedback’, and by tying the value of tasks back to the organization’s needs.

    πŸ“ The Section titled Livelihood & Professional Skills

    It may be valuable to have this section in it's own file.

    This is the tracking section for the livelihood, and is designed to be shared if that's what will make this easiest for you.

    Self Definition

    Put in what are the professional skills I am most proud of?

    Put in what are the professional skills I most want to grow?

    Emotional Engineering II, Self Support: Development, Capacity, and Impact Inventory - DCII

    Emotional Engineering II, Self Support: Development, Capacity, and Impact Inventory - DCII

    Development, Capacity, and Impact Inventory - DCII

    Copyright (c) 2025 Akien Maciain, all rights reserved.

    Email me to use this material elsewhere.

    This version: 20250827.1

    My own DCII can be found as an example here:

    https://trainmymonkey.blogspot.com/2025/08/akiens-personal-personnel-file-as.html

    --------------------

    This isn’t a rΓ©sumΓ©, and it’s not a journal. It’s my own private HR file... Except it’s for all of me, not just my work self. It’s a place to keep track of what I'm good at, what matters to me, the roles I play, the values I carry, and the things I’ve done that made a real difference.

    When I'm feeling foggy, out of alignment, or just kind of small… this is where I come to remember who the hell I am. It’s not meant to be pretty. It’s meant to be true. To show my growth.

    For you, you want to use this template as a guide, not a rule. Throw out sections you don't want, add new ones. As often as you want, review it. Update it. Keep it alive. It's a mirror that can show you your very best self. A way to make life suck less. For background, go here https://trainmymonkey.blogspot.com/2025/08/emotional-engineering-iii-keeping-track.html

    ________________________________________

    πŸ‘€ About Me

    Name:

    [fill this in]

    🧭 Role(s) / Aspirations:

    Who am I and who do I want to become

    [fill this in]

    🧠✨ Executive Summary

    A short paragraph describing who I am at my best. Write this when I’m feeling strong—it’s my own mission statement to read when I need reminding.

    [fill this in]

    ________________________________________

    πŸ’Ό Livelihood & Professional Skills

    It may be valuable to have this section in it's own file.

    🧩 Self Definition

    What are the professional skills I am most proud of?

    What are the professional skills I most want to grow?

    🎯 Currently Active Goals

    List goals here of any size.

    πŸ“Š Tracking

    🀝 Collaboration & Relationships

    Anything from this week.

    πŸ—£️ Communication & Storytelling

    Anything from this week.

    πŸš€ Initiative & Resourcefulness

    Anything from this week.

    πŸ“… Planning & Organization

    Anything from this week.

    Responsibility & Follow-through

    Anything from this week.

    πŸ‘₯ Visitor & Community Experience

    Anything from this week.

    πŸ“œPrior week's entries log

    [fill this in]

    ________________________________________

    πŸ†˜ Emergency Page: Read This First When I’m Struggling

    A curated one-pager of highlights, quotes, and self-talk designed to cut through self-doubt fast.

    [fill this in]

    ________________________________________

    πŸͺͺ Personal Inventory: Who Am I?

    Role models, fictional or real, and what I took from them. What strategies, traits, or truths I adopted.

    [fill this in]

    🌊 Ripple Map: People Impacted by Me

    A bulleted list with who and a short description of how I touched their lives

    [fill this in]

    🧰 Skills & Strengths Inventory

    A bulleted list or short descriptions of skills I know I have and that I’m proud of.

    [fill this in]

    πŸ† Decisions, Achievements & Milestones

    A bulleted list or short descriptions of things I’ve done that I’m proud of.

    [fill this in]

    πŸ’¬ Testimonials Bank (Things People Said That Lit Me Up)

    These can be short and sweet.

    xx/xx/xxxx, who: “You always make me feel like I matter.”

    xx/xx/xxxx, who: “You notice details no one else does.”

    xx/xx/xxxx, who: “I’m the calm in the storm.”

    ________________________________________

    🌱 Core Needs and Nourishment

    What are my main psychological or emotional needs?

    [fill this in]

    ✉️ Letters to Future Me

    Encouragement or advice from my past self.

    Date: xx/xx/xx "Hey, just wanted to say: no matter what’s going on right now, you’ve come through hard things before. You will again."

    [fill this in]

    My North Stars - Aspirational Anchors

    [fill this in]

    πŸ“ Self-Evaluations

    Reflect on anything notable in life.

    Activity:

    Date:

    What went well?

    What did I learn?

    What would I do differently next time?

    πŸ… Performance Reviews (Peer & Mentor Praise)

    Quotes or notes from others affirming my effort, impact, or growth.

    03/2025, Prof. Addams: "You handled that group project like a pro. Everyone felt heard and the final result was great."

    [fill this in]

    ⚠️ Ways I Sabotage Myself

    [fill this in]

    πŸŽ’ Baggage, Trauma I carry

    [fill this in]

    🌿 Growth Areas, Lessons

    Track habits I'm changing; things I’ve struggled with but am actively improving. Show trajectory. Include evidence of progress.

    Habit: Eat too much candy

    Trigger: Dry mouth

    New Behavior: Replace with xylitol gum

    Progress: Success, completed 6/30/25

    πŸ—‚️ Experience History

    This can be work and volunteering, it is a resume… But it is also more than that. Include photos, screenshots, projects, awards, or mementos that visually remind me of who I am and what I’ve done. List current first.

    [fill this in]


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